I loved the changes suggested by Twitches, so here’s the revised, more economical version of my poem with better line breaks. For original version, see the bottom of this post.
Thanks, Twitches!
Cigarette smoke wafts through the lobby,
an ashtray gawps on the toilet stall wall.
Europe is no place for a doctor’s daughter
who saw frames of open heart surgery
at the end of Uncle Joe’s home movies.
A heart throbbing under skin pulled apart
by metal tongs offers no incentive
to smoke, even when followed by little boys
in pajamas opening presents under the tree.
============================
ORIGINAL VERSION
Cigarette smoke wafts through the lobby,
an ashtray gawps on the toilet stall wall.
I’m in Europe.
It’s no place for a doctor’s daughter
who saw frames of open heart surgery
at the end of "Uncle" Joe’s home movies.
They followed the shots of
little boys in pajamas
opening Christmas presents
under the tree.
A heart throbbing
under skin pulled apart
by metal tongs
offers no incentive to smoke.
PoetryThursday friends, what would it take to convert this poem idea into a true poem? Is there something more you’d like to learn or that you’d like me to describe? Are there lines or images that I should delete? I’m open to your suggestions.
It’s tough to tell someone else how to fashion poetry out of what they are thinking. For me, it’s a voice that begins in my head. I tell myself something, then repeat it, and repeat it again while I try to decide if it matters to me. This is the first breaking point.
If it does, I write something down on whatever is handy. This is the second breaking point.
If the draft looks interesting it goes through another writing–this might happen right away, half an hour later, or sometimes years after the fact. Once I’ve gone this far, it’s likely that I’ll finish the thing because it has passed my other inspections.
The final thing is to sit with what I think of as the final draft and then read it out loud to myself. I have to hear the piece with an imagined audience in order to find where it works and where it fails to meet the idea that I had when I first wrote it. I mark up the draft, revise, read it again, and keep the cycle going until I feel that it’s done.
What to do with yours? I wouldn’t have the first clue. You’ll know.
Comment by bgfay — December 28, 2006 @ 2:17 pm
Wow! Talk about contrast! Was it horrifying as a child to watch pajamas fade into an open thorax?
Comment by Dennis — December 28, 2006 @ 2:31 pm
bgfay,
I agree with you that those are useful steps. I feel as if a poem should marinate before I consider it complete.
However, I’ve also found that feedback from my writing group is very helpful. They’ve given me perspective on what works vs. what doesn’t. For example, do they understand what the poem is about or are they confused?
Comment by Administrator — December 28, 2006 @ 2:34 pm
Felt like a poem to me. The contrast really does grab the attention, the idea of a child seeing something so graphic, and the way it comes back to itself, with smoke at the beginning and at the end. After all isn’t a “true poem” whatever it wants to be, whatever you want it to be? Sometimes it can wreck a poem to put too much detail into it; simple and short is often the most powerful.
Comment by desert rat — December 28, 2006 @ 3:19 pm
Okay, since you asked…
1) I don’t understand who Uncle Joe is, or why the word Uncle is in quotation marks…?
2) In your original version, the lines breaks change - they get much shorter in the last two stanzas, which made them feel/look like a different poem.
3) “gawps on the toilet stall wall” is divine.
How about something like this:
“Cigarette smoke wafts through the lobby,
an ashtray gawps on the toilet stall wall.
Europe is no place for a doctor’s daughter
who saw frames of open heart surgery
at the end of “Uncle” Joe’s home movies.
A heart throbbing under skin
pulled apart by metal tongs offers no incentive
to smoke, even when followed by little boys
in pajamas opening presents under the tree.”
Comment by twitches — December 28, 2006 @ 3:59 pm
The stanza breaks did not come through in my comment, for some reason…
Comment by twitches — December 28, 2006 @ 4:00 pm
Wonderful revisions. I love the imagery in this poem. And thank you for stopping by mi casa. I hope to read more.
Comment by L. Monique — December 28, 2006 @ 10:06 pm
I love the revisions.
Comment by ptcakes — December 29, 2006 @ 6:07 am
Twitches is one of my favorite poets from Poetry Thursday…her revisions are great. The poem is incredible!
Comment by fatcharlatan — December 30, 2006 @ 12:36 pm
A wonderful poem; twitches not only writes well but revises well as well (and she would definately not use the word ‘well’ three times in the same sentence!!!!)
Comment by AscenderRisesAbove — January 4, 2007 @ 2:02 am
I was impressed by this poem. Both versions are good but the revision is better. Nice work. The metal tongs and the vision of open heart surgery on a home movie are visceral images that make the reader want to protect the person in the poem.
Comment by Michelle — January 13, 2007 @ 3:34 pm